Booze on the Mind

The last couple of weeks I hadn't drank.  Well, I drank at a Super Bowl Party and was behaved.  I was fun and had a good time.

Then I cut back to nothing because I'm trying to diet again.  I've slowly been gaining back the weight that I lost, so I'm trying to get that under control again.  Until last weekend, I had 3 beers.  Is it normal to know the exact amount of beers that I had? 

Yesterday, I met with my phsyciatirst to review my recent medicine change because my husband and I have been talking about trying for a baby.  I felt good, I had been working out at eating right for a little over a week.  This was a huge accomplishment and I wanted to reward myself by drinking after I weighed in losing not even a full 1 pound.

I was pissed.

So I lied to myself and said that it was sunny and I was still in a good mood and that I deserved some of my favorite beer.  So I stopped by the gas station to buy beer before I picked up my daughter from school.  My little treat awaited for me in the trunk of my car.

I know I must have a problem because even when I'm not drinking and feeling good - I think about beer.  I'll be running or on the ellipitical and then the thought of a beer will pop into my head.  My bad side of my brain will tell me that I'm working out so I deserve a beer when I get home.

I ignored it until yesterday.

I self-medicated. 

I loathe myself for falling again.

I want to be normal.

On the outside, I look normal, I am fairly successful in my career.  I live in a nice brand new home.  I have an attractive family.  I have lots of friends. 

But on the inside I have a demon and it's called alcholism.

I've gone to meetings and I don't like them.  I feel way out of place.  And think that I can get  a handle on this like any else in my life.  Or is that the booze talking to me again?

One last thing before I sign off - I lie to my psychiatrists.  I'm embaressed to even tell her that I am still struggling with my alcohol use.  It used to be a lot worse and she knew about that then and I told her that I'm doing fine - not feeling the urge to drink every night.

I'm totally rambling on and who knows if anyone will ever read this crap, but I'm feeling a little hopeful at least getting this out there.  Letting out my thoughts to the world behind a fictitious name.

Sally