My Boozey Friends

How can anyone stop drinking and lose their friends.

The thought of not being able to drink around my friends - SUCKS.

All CAPS -- that's right -- SUCKS!

I've done it before and once I get through the initial part of hanging out it's fine.  And I feel a lot better in the morning.

They wouldn't care if I didn't drink - it's me that does.  How can I get over that?  How can I be OKAY with not drinking around friends or in social settings where there is booze?

How have you cut ties from your boozey friends? 

Booze on the Mind

The last couple of weeks I hadn't drank.  Well, I drank at a Super Bowl Party and was behaved.  I was fun and had a good time.

Then I cut back to nothing because I'm trying to diet again.  I've slowly been gaining back the weight that I lost, so I'm trying to get that under control again.  Until last weekend, I had 3 beers.  Is it normal to know the exact amount of beers that I had? 

Yesterday, I met with my phsyciatirst to review my recent medicine change because my husband and I have been talking about trying for a baby.  I felt good, I had been working out at eating right for a little over a week.  This was a huge accomplishment and I wanted to reward myself by drinking after I weighed in losing not even a full 1 pound.

I was pissed.

So I lied to myself and said that it was sunny and I was still in a good mood and that I deserved some of my favorite beer.  So I stopped by the gas station to buy beer before I picked up my daughter from school.  My little treat awaited for me in the trunk of my car.

I know I must have a problem because even when I'm not drinking and feeling good - I think about beer.  I'll be running or on the ellipitical and then the thought of a beer will pop into my head.  My bad side of my brain will tell me that I'm working out so I deserve a beer when I get home.

I ignored it until yesterday.

I self-medicated. 

I loathe myself for falling again.

I want to be normal.

On the outside, I look normal, I am fairly successful in my career.  I live in a nice brand new home.  I have an attractive family.  I have lots of friends. 

But on the inside I have a demon and it's called alcholism.

I've gone to meetings and I don't like them.  I feel way out of place.  And think that I can get  a handle on this like any else in my life.  Or is that the booze talking to me again?

One last thing before I sign off - I lie to my psychiatrists.  I'm embaressed to even tell her that I am still struggling with my alcohol use.  It used to be a lot worse and she knew about that then and I told her that I'm doing fine - not feeling the urge to drink every night.

I'm totally rambling on and who knows if anyone will ever read this crap, but I'm feeling a little hopeful at least getting this out there.  Letting out my thoughts to the world behind a fictitious name.

Sally

I feel worthless

So I never made it into work today because I am so sick. 

I don't know what hit me last night.  I hadn't drank in a while, the weather was nice and I decided to stay home, skip working out to drink.  What a loser.

My poor child has to put up with me.  Luckily, she doesn't see me get rip roaring drunk - I saved that for after bed time.

And for my husband.

I can't stop re-playing the events of last night in my mind.  (From what I can even remember.)

My husband is pissed at me. (Rightfully so.)

Hell, I'm pissed at me.  Why can't I just drink like a normal person?

Why do I have to turn into an argumentative lunatic when I'm drunk?

Am I alone?  Do you feel like this too?  How do you make it stop?

How did you stop drinking? 

I have a serious problem with booze

Here we go.

A clean slate, so to speak.

I'm staring at a blank screen, my curser blinking at me, my head throbbing and my heart's weighted down with more guilt from a shitty night.

I'm hung over.

I feel like hell since I was a monster last night to my husband.

I've tried meetings, I've done therapy, and I know I have a problem.  And my problem kicks me square in the jaw when I cross the invisible line between happy drunk to F$*#ed up drunk.

Writing helped me through one divorce and I don't need another one.  I have the best husband in the world and a beautiful daughter.

I'm young and teetering on the line of throwing it all away from my stupid drinking.

So, I'm giving this a try.  Blogging, I'm not using my real name and nor do I hope that anyone that knows me finds out about this little secret.

I feel like hell; depressed and all out of sorts from my booze last night.  I am going to be worthless at work today. 

Cheers to a double life and writing away my problem with booze.

Sally